Congradulations. Here’s an extreme reality slap.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Not only have I finally come to terms with the fact that my life is one big failing event after the next, but it’s been brought to my attention that pretty much 70% of the people whom I’ve called my friends for years are nothing more than heartless idiots. Or maybe I am the idiot.

Let’s start from the beginning. My job at Tijuana has been completely wrong from the start. I can’t work beneath or with people who are assholes. I’m sorry, but it’s not a fit for me. I’ve tried so hard to just go with it because I need a job and I know there are going to be assholes at every job, but my tolerance was shot out the window when I was completely humiliated in front of a line of 30 or so customers by my manager. Come now, if we can’t be classy, let’s try and be a little professional at least. Not only have I had absolutely no motivation to return to work day after day, I’ve completely fucked up and now have no job. After today, I started thinking about what a loser I’ve become. I had such good grades in high school, a scholarship, many grants, and a supportive family and I threw it all away. Pat on the back, Erica. You are a winner. Then what? I finally had a good job and I threw that away too. I’m constantly making horrible decisions that affect my life so much. I’m constantly doing things I regret and just should not be doing. I’m in no way a stupid girl. What is wrong with me lately? I’ve always felt a bit more grounded than a lot of the friends I have and yet, I look around now and I’m amazed at what a mess I’ve made for myself. I’m the one dragging myself to the floor. No one else. I’m the one who has had one failed relationship after the next, for what? Because I’M NOT HAPPY. I’m not happy with the person I am. I’m not happy with the actions I’ve made or the point in life the actions have now brought me to. I need to get up and take charge of my life before I completely lose control. The paths I have chosen thus far have only ultimately ruined me. I’m really a shell of my formal self, a shell of the person who once had so many values and goals in life. I can fix this. I just need an opportunity. I just need one break, one more chance, one way to get my foot in the door. I know I can be successful. I have dertermination and a need for success. I have the will power and I can work hard. I’m not a lazy person. And I’ve always loved that about myself. Lately has been a different story and now I need to take control. I just hope that I still have that chance. I hope someone just throws me a bone and gives me a chance to prove to the world that Erica is still here and she can be someone!